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Things I’ll Miss About Life: Part 10 of Blank (Peeing)

You can be excessive in nearly all aspects of your life.  Any great thing suddenly turns into not such a great thing given that it lasts a longer time than expected.  Eating is amazing, but once you overeat you don’t feel so well.  Sleeping is amazing but if you oversleep, you suddenly feel worse than you would have had you slept a shorter amount of time.  Pooping feels great but over-pooping (diarrhea) hurts my butthole.  So pretty much, you can overeat, oversleep, overpoop but you can never over-pee.   Peeing in and of itself is an amazing, relieving experience and the longer it goes, the better it feels.

Everybody has their standard pee duration.  Twenty seconds.  Thirty seconds, maybe.  Ten seconds, even.  But one of the GREATEST moments ever is when you surpass your usual pee duration.  If you’re on average a twenty second pee-er (?), how do you explain that feeling you get when you still have a consistent flow at 21 seconds?  There are no words.  The second you pass your norm, you’re immediately captivated by what you’re doing.  You immediately think, “I’m going for the record!”  So you go and you go and you go (and the pee still feels amazing) and suddenly you think to yourself, “Oh sh-t, I should have been timing myself.”  And then you think to yourself, “Dammit, when will I ever pee like this again?  There’s no way I can replicate this.  I’m gonna drink a 5 gallon water jug the second I leave just so I can try this again.”  And then you think, “I wish someone was witnessing this.  Because now I have to tell them.”  Let’s face it, whenever you pee for a long time, EVERYBODY has to know.  It obviously doesn’t happen every day.  So anyway, you’re peeing and peeing and your flow is still really strong and now you definitely think you must have set record.   And at that same time you still really hope somebody can acknowledge the fact that they’ve heard constant liquid on water action for a good minute or so.  And then you hear someone on the other end of the door (if you’re at home or a one toilet bathroom), “Dang insert name here.  You really had to go.”  And the only response you can summon at that moment is, “Yeah.  I know.”    But then tragedy.  You feel the flow lessening.  Now there’s only a trickle.  Then it goes to uneven bursts of pee at uneven intervals.  Surely there must be more in your tank, so at that moment you begin to push.   And now with the pee duration record at the forefront of your mind, you push even harder, regardless of whether or not you crap your pants.  Forget what comes out the back-end, so long as pee still comes out the front ,you’re willing to push.    And finally, you’re done.  You’re tapped out.  There’s no pee left in the tank.  So you zip up and flush and you think to yourself the thoughts you were thinking all along.  “Damn that must be a record.  At least ten minutes.”

And so if you’re a guy, you leave the bathroom with the utmost pride.  A more confident man.  A superhuman man, even.   You have defied physics.  You have peed out any internal fluid you could possibly have in your body.   There is not one drop of liquid anywhere left.  And then you make the most subtle of moves and it happens.  The last two drops leave your penis and wet your underwear.   The last two drops that could have easily been the difference between a record-long pee and just a very long pee.  And then you think to yourself, “I just crapped my pants squeezing out all this pee.  How were there two drops left?!!”



Things I’ll Miss About Life: Part 9 of blank (Meeting somebody at an airport)

I know most of you out there probably aren’t big fans of airports.  Think of all the bad things about airports:  traffic while dropping someone off at their terminal, the fake cops telling you you can’t wait at the white curb for more than ten seconds, the overpriced food, the excessive fees for the most basic things, the layovers…the list goes on and on.  One of the worst feelings in the world can be dropping somebody off at the airport, especially if it’s someone you really care about.  Most of the time, however, it’s only a temporary goodbye.   But this blog is not about and will never be about the bad things in life.  This is all about the good things.

One of my favorite things to do is people-watch at airports.  I love watching people wait for loved ones but most of all, I love when they finally see the people they’re waiting for come out of the terminal and they hug and kiss and do whatever.  It’s definitely a warm fuzzies kind of feeling.   I love the movie Love, Actually, and with that being said, I obviously love the last scene of the movie.

Not only is people watching fun, but actually being the person coming off the plane knowing you’ll be greeted by familiar faces is such an awesome feeling.  Knowing somebody will be at the airport to pick you up means a lot.    Next time you’re coming off an airplane, and you’re walking up to the person/people waiting for you, try not to smile while walking towards them.  It’s next to impossible…at least it is for me anyway.


Things I’ll miss about life: Part 8 of Blank (Tagalong Girl Scout cookies)

When I refer to the most wonderful time of the year, I’m not referring to Christmas.  I’m referring to Girl Scout cookie season.  First and foremost, let me express my regret to the Boy Scouts who only get to sell popcorn, a far inferior fundraising food.  Everybody has their favorite Girl Scout cookie.  I feel most people I know love Thin Mints.  I’m not a huge Thin Mint fan.  The most amazing Girl Scout cookie ever created is the Tagalong.  Oh.  Em.  Gee.  One box is never enough, although with the prices they’re charging, you would think it would last a while.  Give me five minutes with an unopened box of Tagalongs and I’ll give you an empty box five minutes later.  The serving size for calorie count and what not, however, is 2 Tagalongs.  When have you ever in your entire life stopped at 2 cookies?  And that’s how the Girl Scouts get you.  They know you’ll need more than one box and they know that you know that they only come out one time a year so there’s the rarity factor which means you’ll pay a thousand dollars a box and get fifty boxes of it.   You’re gonna stock up on Girls Scout cookies like the nuclear holocaust is happening tomorrow. But damn are they good and so worth it.  My only regret is that it is NOT Girl Scout season at the time of me writing this so I don’t have any Girl Scout cookies.  I can imagine me right now, eating Girl Scout cookies while drinking a glass of milk.  I will most definitely miss Girl Scout cookies when I die, especially the Tagalongs.

TGFCS.  Thank God For Cookie Season.


Things I’ll Miss About Life: Part 6/7 of Blank (Cream Cheese and Wheat Thins)

So I know it’s been two days AND I didn’t even have a segue into this, so for that, I apologize.  So let’s not waste any time.

I effing love cream cheese.  Philadelphia cream cheese may be one of the greatest inventions ever invented.  I use an excessive amount of cream cheese on bagels.   When I say excessive, I mean excessive.  I mean a quarter of a container for one bagel.  One container of cream cheese has never made it through a 6 bagel pack.  The only thing better than original cream cheese is…


STRAWBERRY CREAM CHEESE!   Just thinking about it makes me salivate.  Do you wanna know what’s really, really good?  Dip Wheat Thins in strawberry cream cheese and get back to me.  When you do, you’ll be like, “Holy sh-t, Angelo.  My mouth just had an experience.”  That’s the only way to classify it.  As an experience.   Strawberry cream cheese fills any void in my eating life.    For example, I like my sandwiches dry.  I hate mustard.  I’m not a fan of mayo.  Not too terribly keen on ketchup.  I’m not a spread-kind-of-guy.  So how do I make my ham and cheese sandwiches interesting?  I use strawberry cream cheese as a spread. Amazing.

I hate the small little containers of cream cheese restaurants and bagel shops give you when you order a bagel.  There is no way that is enough cream cheese.  It’s like one knife-ful.  When has one knife-ful of cream cheese ever satisfied anybody.  It’s like, “Give me ten more of those and get back to me.”   There is no doubt in my mind that I will miss cream cheese and strawberry cream cheese when die.

So since I missed an entry yesterday, consider this a BONUS entry.  I already mentioned it earlier and it’s in the subject of the post.  That’s write, I love Wheat Thins.  Like hardcore like them.  Like one box can’t even make it through a half hour TV show.  I am a Wheat Thin destroyer.  Even the family size boxes can satiate me.  I wish I had an in at the Wheat Thin company (or the Nabisco company if they’re the ones that own Wheat Thins).  If I could win a lifetime supply of Wheat Thins, I would enter whatever raffle offered that or do any dare that depended on it.   I can’t get over how much I love Wheat Thins.   Their slogan should be “One box is never enough.”

Speaking of “one box is never enough,” my next favorite things is…Girl Scout Cookies.  But which girl scout cookie is your favorite, Angelo?  Well, you’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out.


Things I’ll miss about life: Part 5 of blank (French Vanilla Creamer)

This is a short one.

When I first ventured into coffee drinking, I was a half-and-half kind of guy.  Just plain ole half-and-half.  Every time I drank coffee at restaurants, I used the small little creamer cups.  I also used to stack them in pyramids.  (I still do) But then one day, I can’t remember it exactly, I had French vanilla creamer.  Maybe I got an erection, but again, I’m not too sure. Either way, there was definite chemistry.

From then on I knew French vanilla creamer  was my go to creamer of choice.  But I wanted more from it.  Why should it just be limited to coffee?  It shouldn’t be.  I don’t think coffee and creamer should have a mutually exclusive relationship.  They should see other people.  Foods.  I meant food.  I don’t know where my mind’s at.  One day I was making mac and cheese (out of the box) and I made a quick decision–use French vanilla creamer instead of milk.  Sure it was a gamble but the French vanilla creamer made it absolutely sweet and amazing.  I felt like Dr. Frankenstein successfully creating his monster.   After successfully introducing French vanilla to another partner, I wanted it to go all around town, to a whole bunch of different foods.  I pretty much wanted to whore out French vanilla to every other food in my cabinet and refrigerator.

I have yet to go far in this process but that’s exactly what it is…a process.  From now on, it is my solemn vow, that I will use French vanilla creamer as a substitute for milk and regular creamer.  Whenever a recipe calls for milk, I will mix in French vanilla creamer.  I’ll even introduce French vanilla creamer to random things as well:  chili, soup, alfredo sauce.  The list will go on and on.

I’m just incredibly happy that overzealous patriots didn’t attack French vanilla creamer and call it Freedom vanilla creamer.  I don’t know if I would be such a fan of Freedom vanilla creamer.

That’s pretty much it for French Vanilla Creamer.  And as a change, I have no segue for my entry tomorrow which definitely does make this the…


Things I’ll miss about life: Part 4 of blank (smell of coffee)

A common misconception is that Folgers in your cup is the best part of waking up.  It’s not.  The smell of coffee brewing is the best part of waking up.  And not only is it the best part of waking up, it is very easily one of the best scents ever.  I wish there was a coffee-scented air freshener for my car.  There very well may be but I just haven’t seen it.  I think bathroom air freshener should smell like coffee, although I don’t know if coffee would hide the smell of poop, compliment the smell of poop or just make the poop smell even worse.  Probably the former rather than the latter.  Basically, the scent of coffee makes any other scent so much better.  The best part of peeing after having had coffee is knowing that your pee will smell like coffee.  Coffee-scented-pees are something extra magical.   It makes you want to turn to the guy next to you and say, “Do you smell that? That’s the coffee you’re smelling.”

I have never met one person who didn’t like the smell of coffee. (even coffee pee)  I’ve met many who don’t like coffee but not one of those people have hated both the taste and the smell.   On the contrary.  I’ve found that though people don’t like the taste, they love the smell.   How fun is it going down the coffee bean aisle at the grocery store.  The answer is very fun, indeed.  It’s the best smelling aisle ever.  Have you ever stopped and smelled the beans?  That should be the new saying.

Some of you reading this may have a perceptive sniffer.  I don’t.  I can’t differentiate between the different types of beans.  The smell of coffee is just coffee.  If you blindfolded me and asked me where those beans came from, I would have no idea.  All I would know is, “Damn that smells good.”  Besides the scent, I also love the sound of coffee brewing.  I especially like the last gurgles when it’s just about done brewing.  I don’t like it in a fetish kind of way, though.

Maybe it’s just that I like everything associated about coffee.  I love coffee mugs.  Granted, I don’t like them enough to devote an entire entry about it but since I’m on the topic of coffee, I will tell all of you my appreciation for mugs. I pretty much like drinking every beverage from a mug.  For some reason it makes me feel more important, more sophisticated and more productive.  Not one of those sounds rational but it’s a feeling so it doesn’t have to make sense.  I feel so much smarter when I drink things from a mug.  I think I actually become somewhat of a pretentious bee eye tee see h.  Whenever I drink things out of a mug, I feel like I should sit with my legs crossed and talk in a demeaning manner with a British accent.  I guess that’s why nobody likes having breakfast with me.

Oh heck, while I’m on the subject of coffee and coffee mugs, let me just admit it.  I’ll definitely miss coffee.  I love, love, love having a couple cups of coffee in a small diner either early, early in the morning or late, late at night.  Drinking coffee at either of those two times of day/night makes me feel so creative.  I hate that I can’t explain that feeling to you but I’m sure if I was writing this in a diner at this hour (2:12 AM PST) I would be a lot more eloquent and creative.  Everything about the coffee drinking experience makes me happy.  I love ordering coffee.

I remember when I was in high school and I used to order coffee occasionally for the first time.  My mom would always be like, “You drink coffee.”  Then the waitress would immediately stop writing my beverage order and look at my mom for her permission.  I HATED that.  Ma, if you’re reading this, just know I hated that.  Never, and I mean never, question my beverage order in front of a waitress.  Ever.  I’m just kidding.  Even though I know you have NO idea I’m writing this.  What did the waitress want me to do?  Back down and change my order to a cup of orange juice instead?  Eff that.  I know what I want and I want coffee.

I love ordering coffee early, early in the mornings because it makes me feel that I am getting ready for an intense day ahead, even though nine times out of ten I’m not.  Oddly enough, I don’t need coffee to wake up.  I love it for the taste and for the feeling I get while drinking it.  I love preparing my coffee as well.  I love the sound of the spoon clinging to the inside of the mug when you stir in the creamer.  That is such an odd sound to like but I like it.  I still don’t know what sugar I should use so I don’t get cancer so I just use whatever.  I don’t have a favorite sugar by any means.  I heard Sweet n’ Low will give you cancer (sorry for the bad press Sweet n’ Low) so I usually go with the Splenda or Extra or if I’m feeling very adventurous, I’ll go for the natural cane sugar.

I love the act of sipping on coffee while I listen to somebody talk because the person actually thinks I’m listening to them.  Coffee is a very good disguise.

I love drinking coffee at the places where people usually don’t:  hotel rooms and at the mechanics.  Talk about bad coffee.  But nothing makes me feel better than sitting at the mechanic’s, sipping coffee, knowing I’m about to get butt-raped with fake car problems.  But all that doesn’t matter when I’m drinking their 10 cent coffee.  Just by drinking their coffee, I feel very responsible that I even went to the mechanic’s to get my car worked on.  Speaking of the mechanic, why do they have the monitors whereby we can watch them working on our car.  Sure it gives the guise of honesty but really, how the eff are we going to know if they’re doing something malicious or productive.  Like I know what the f-ck they’re doing under there.  I have NO idea what any part under the hood of my car is or what it does so unless the mechanic looked at the monitor with a devilish grin and cut a very large wire with a very large pair of scissors, I would have no idea that they were doing something bad.  But it doesn’t matter, because when I watch them work on those security cameras and I’m sipping my 10 cent coffee from my 2 cent styrofoam cup, I feel a lot smarter and lot more scrutinizing.  And I’m sure the mechanics are a lot more intimidated by a boy-man who watches them work while drinking their coffee.

Though I don’t have it every day, I love coffee.  But the best part about coffee is….French Vanilla Creamer, which definitely deserves an entry all by itself.  But that’s for next time.


Things I’ll Miss About LIfe: Part 3 of blank (Sleeping to the sound of rain)

I don’t understand sleep.  I don’t.  You may think you do.  But you don’t.  Why do we do it?  Easy answer you’re thinking.  For example, you would respond, “Because we need to.  Because without sleep, we would die.  Because without sleep we couldn’t function.  Imagine you’re a car, Angelo.  You need to keep gas in the car to keep it going.”   I get all of that.  But that stupid car analogy of yours (sorry for getting aggressive and calling you stupid) doesn’t quite cut it.  Technically, a car doesn’t need “sleep.”  Rest, maybe, but not sleep.   And don’t give me the analogy of sleep “recharging your battery.”  Every answer you can give still makes me ask the question, “Why?”

When we sleep, our mind is still very active, we still breathe and our heart still beats.  The only difference is that our eyelids are closed.  That’s it!  It’s not like you’re body is completely stopping…it’s still very much going.  Now you may be wanting to say that you need to rest so that your body can repair itself after a long day’s work.  But why can’t we just rest?  Why must we sleep?  Why? Why? Why? Why?  Y?  Another interesting question, why  does ‘y’ need the ‘wh’ for it to make the exact same sound it can very easily make by itself?  Don’t worry, ‘y’, ‘x’ has that same problem.  (Sometimes it depends on ‘e’)   Anyway, where was I.  Oh that’s right.  The mind boggling phenomenon that is sleep.

Having been perplexed by this witchcraft, I searched article after article and all the scientists concluded the same thing…we DON’T KNOW!!  Nobody knows why we sleep, we just know what the benefits of sleep are and what the consequences of having no sleep are.  But still, to this day, we still don’t know why we need to sleep.

I don’t know why I get tired.  During summer vacations (when I was in high school), I liked to sit on the couch all day and do nothing.  After an “exhausting” day of watching TV and movies, I would say, “I’m tired,” to which my mom would respond, “How are you tired?  You didn’t do anything all day.”  Those memories validate my thoughts.  Why do I get tired?  Why do I need to get tired?  Why do I have to get tired?  Nobody knows.  You just get tired.

Regardless of my inabilities to explain it, I do love sleep.  According to a friend, I have even used the line, “I love to sleep!” while drunkenly hitting on a couple of girls at the bar.  So my love for sleep is pretty apparent.  I remember hating the idea of sleeping as a kid because I was under the impression that my parents made me go to sleep so everybody else could do fun things.  I always thought that I was missing out on something fun.  (I wasn’t)  As a kid, I hated naps, for the aforementioned reason.  As a 23 year old, I love naps.  The best kind of nap is the one where you wake up and don’t remember what day it is, although it’s usually the same day.  Unless you’re Rip Van Winkle and you wake up twenty years later, which would be crazy.  Although if I were to fall asleep for twenty years I wouldn’t have a beard of any kind due to my strange inability to grow facial hair.  But I digress.  As I usually do.

Anyway, sleeping is fun. Lots of fun.  Ironically, I will actually miss sleeping when I’m dead.  I mean, death is like sleeping minus the dreaming, drooling and teeth grinding, all of which I do but never remember.  With that being said, I doubt I’ll remember being dead, too.  People say now, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”  And I’m thinking, don’t wait until you’re dead to do one of the most rewarding things ever.  And FOR THE RECORD, I am 99% sure I came up with the phrase, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”  I came up with it in 2006 so unless somebody can show me usage of the phrase prior to that, I will continue believing that I was the first person to use that phrase.  Hey, relax!  Don’t judge me.  We all have that line, phrase, or joke we think we started but really heard elsewhere but subconsciously forgot it and then said it and claimed it as an original thought.     It’s kind of weird how I came up with the phrase, ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” yet I think it’s a stupid saying.  That just shows my hypocritical personality.   The phrase is stupid because if you wait until you die to sleep, you won’t remember the amazing feeling that sleep gave you.  You won’t wake up from death and be like, “Damn I feel good.”  The best part of sleeping is waking up but my favorite part of sleeping is actually going to sleep.

Now the act of going to sleep has a bunch of contenders for favorite things.  I’ll laundry list them first:  1) Intentionally thinking about something amazing and prepping your mind to dream a good dream  2) Tucking yourself in to hopefully warm covers especially on a cold night  3) The idea that the day is over (unless you just had the most amazing day of your life and you don’t want it to end)

But the best part of going to sleep is going to sleep when it’s raining.  I was born and raised in Florida.  (Royal Palm Beach, represent!) Some of you may know that it rains in Florida.  A lot.   Having lived in California for over two years now, I have realized that the rain”storms” are few and far between.  The best time to ever go to sleep is when it’s raining outside.  I love falling asleep to the sound of raindrops tapping against a windowpane.  And I do love waking up to the sound of rain tapping against a windowpane as well.  Hearing that sound makes me fall asleep, stay asleep and go back to sleep when I wake up.  Falling rain offers such a calm feeling.  Maybe it’s not the rain necessarily but the fact that I am shielded from it by my house.  I’m sure it would be less than enjoyable if I was homeless and rain kept falling on my box, thereby making it soggy and making me “extra homeless,” because it would have destroyed my box.

But being covered in covers, sheltered by a building and listening to the rain while going to sleep is easily one of my favorite things I’ll miss about life.  And when I do die, I hope I get to die on a rainy day.  Throw in a low rumble of thunder in the distance and I would pull out my own life-support.   The only thing wrong about that death, however, is not being able to wake up.  And if I didn’t wake up, I couldn’t have one of my other favorite things…the smell of freshly brewed coffee.