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Things I’ll miss about life: Part 8 of Blank (Tagalong Girl Scout cookies)

When I refer to the most wonderful time of the year, I’m not referring to Christmas.  I’m referring to Girl Scout cookie season.  First and foremost, let me express my regret to the Boy Scouts who only get to sell popcorn, a far inferior fundraising food.  Everybody has their favorite Girl Scout cookie.  I feel most people I know love Thin Mints.  I’m not a huge Thin Mint fan.  The most amazing Girl Scout cookie ever created is the Tagalong.  Oh.  Em.  Gee.  One box is never enough, although with the prices they’re charging, you would think it would last a while.  Give me five minutes with an unopened box of Tagalongs and I’ll give you an empty box five minutes later.  The serving size for calorie count and what not, however, is 2 Tagalongs.  When have you ever in your entire life stopped at 2 cookies?  And that’s how the Girl Scouts get you.  They know you’ll need more than one box and they know that you know that they only come out one time a year so there’s the rarity factor which means you’ll pay a thousand dollars a box and get fifty boxes of it.   You’re gonna stock up on Girls Scout cookies like the nuclear holocaust is happening tomorrow. But damn are they good and so worth it.  My only regret is that it is NOT Girl Scout season at the time of me writing this so I don’t have any Girl Scout cookies.  I can imagine me right now, eating Girl Scout cookies while drinking a glass of milk.  I will most definitely miss Girl Scout cookies when I die, especially the Tagalongs.

TGFCS.  Thank God For Cookie Season.



Things I’ll miss about life: Part 5 of blank (French Vanilla Creamer)

This is a short one.

When I first ventured into coffee drinking, I was a half-and-half kind of guy.  Just plain ole half-and-half.  Every time I drank coffee at restaurants, I used the small little creamer cups.  I also used to stack them in pyramids.  (I still do) But then one day, I can’t remember it exactly, I had French vanilla creamer.  Maybe I got an erection, but again, I’m not too sure. Either way, there was definite chemistry.

From then on I knew French vanilla creamer  was my go to creamer of choice.  But I wanted more from it.  Why should it just be limited to coffee?  It shouldn’t be.  I don’t think coffee and creamer should have a mutually exclusive relationship.  They should see other people.  Foods.  I meant food.  I don’t know where my mind’s at.  One day I was making mac and cheese (out of the box) and I made a quick decision–use French vanilla creamer instead of milk.  Sure it was a gamble but the French vanilla creamer made it absolutely sweet and amazing.  I felt like Dr. Frankenstein successfully creating his monster.   After successfully introducing French vanilla to another partner, I wanted it to go all around town, to a whole bunch of different foods.  I pretty much wanted to whore out French vanilla to every other food in my cabinet and refrigerator.

I have yet to go far in this process but that’s exactly what it is…a process.  From now on, it is my solemn vow, that I will use French vanilla creamer as a substitute for milk and regular creamer.  Whenever a recipe calls for milk, I will mix in French vanilla creamer.  I’ll even introduce French vanilla creamer to random things as well:  chili, soup, alfredo sauce.  The list will go on and on.

I’m just incredibly happy that overzealous patriots didn’t attack French vanilla creamer and call it Freedom vanilla creamer.  I don’t know if I would be such a fan of Freedom vanilla creamer.

That’s pretty much it for French Vanilla Creamer.  And as a change, I have no segue for my entry tomorrow which definitely does make this the…


Things I’ll miss about life: Part 4 of blank (smell of coffee)

A common misconception is that Folgers in your cup is the best part of waking up.  It’s not.  The smell of coffee brewing is the best part of waking up.  And not only is it the best part of waking up, it is very easily one of the best scents ever.  I wish there was a coffee-scented air freshener for my car.  There very well may be but I just haven’t seen it.  I think bathroom air freshener should smell like coffee, although I don’t know if coffee would hide the smell of poop, compliment the smell of poop or just make the poop smell even worse.  Probably the former rather than the latter.  Basically, the scent of coffee makes any other scent so much better.  The best part of peeing after having had coffee is knowing that your pee will smell like coffee.  Coffee-scented-pees are something extra magical.   It makes you want to turn to the guy next to you and say, “Do you smell that? That’s the coffee you’re smelling.”

I have never met one person who didn’t like the smell of coffee. (even coffee pee)  I’ve met many who don’t like coffee but not one of those people have hated both the taste and the smell.   On the contrary.  I’ve found that though people don’t like the taste, they love the smell.   How fun is it going down the coffee bean aisle at the grocery store.  The answer is very fun, indeed.  It’s the best smelling aisle ever.  Have you ever stopped and smelled the beans?  That should be the new saying.

Some of you reading this may have a perceptive sniffer.  I don’t.  I can’t differentiate between the different types of beans.  The smell of coffee is just coffee.  If you blindfolded me and asked me where those beans came from, I would have no idea.  All I would know is, “Damn that smells good.”  Besides the scent, I also love the sound of coffee brewing.  I especially like the last gurgles when it’s just about done brewing.  I don’t like it in a fetish kind of way, though.

Maybe it’s just that I like everything associated about coffee.  I love coffee mugs.  Granted, I don’t like them enough to devote an entire entry about it but since I’m on the topic of coffee, I will tell all of you my appreciation for mugs. I pretty much like drinking every beverage from a mug.  For some reason it makes me feel more important, more sophisticated and more productive.  Not one of those sounds rational but it’s a feeling so it doesn’t have to make sense.  I feel so much smarter when I drink things from a mug.  I think I actually become somewhat of a pretentious bee eye tee see h.  Whenever I drink things out of a mug, I feel like I should sit with my legs crossed and talk in a demeaning manner with a British accent.  I guess that’s why nobody likes having breakfast with me.

Oh heck, while I’m on the subject of coffee and coffee mugs, let me just admit it.  I’ll definitely miss coffee.  I love, love, love having a couple cups of coffee in a small diner either early, early in the morning or late, late at night.  Drinking coffee at either of those two times of day/night makes me feel so creative.  I hate that I can’t explain that feeling to you but I’m sure if I was writing this in a diner at this hour (2:12 AM PST) I would be a lot more eloquent and creative.  Everything about the coffee drinking experience makes me happy.  I love ordering coffee.

I remember when I was in high school and I used to order coffee occasionally for the first time.  My mom would always be like, “You drink coffee.”  Then the waitress would immediately stop writing my beverage order and look at my mom for her permission.  I HATED that.  Ma, if you’re reading this, just know I hated that.  Never, and I mean never, question my beverage order in front of a waitress.  Ever.  I’m just kidding.  Even though I know you have NO idea I’m writing this.  What did the waitress want me to do?  Back down and change my order to a cup of orange juice instead?  Eff that.  I know what I want and I want coffee.

I love ordering coffee early, early in the mornings because it makes me feel that I am getting ready for an intense day ahead, even though nine times out of ten I’m not.  Oddly enough, I don’t need coffee to wake up.  I love it for the taste and for the feeling I get while drinking it.  I love preparing my coffee as well.  I love the sound of the spoon clinging to the inside of the mug when you stir in the creamer.  That is such an odd sound to like but I like it.  I still don’t know what sugar I should use so I don’t get cancer so I just use whatever.  I don’t have a favorite sugar by any means.  I heard Sweet n’ Low will give you cancer (sorry for the bad press Sweet n’ Low) so I usually go with the Splenda or Extra or if I’m feeling very adventurous, I’ll go for the natural cane sugar.

I love the act of sipping on coffee while I listen to somebody talk because the person actually thinks I’m listening to them.  Coffee is a very good disguise.

I love drinking coffee at the places where people usually don’t:  hotel rooms and at the mechanics.  Talk about bad coffee.  But nothing makes me feel better than sitting at the mechanic’s, sipping coffee, knowing I’m about to get butt-raped with fake car problems.  But all that doesn’t matter when I’m drinking their 10 cent coffee.  Just by drinking their coffee, I feel very responsible that I even went to the mechanic’s to get my car worked on.  Speaking of the mechanic, why do they have the monitors whereby we can watch them working on our car.  Sure it gives the guise of honesty but really, how the eff are we going to know if they’re doing something malicious or productive.  Like I know what the f-ck they’re doing under there.  I have NO idea what any part under the hood of my car is or what it does so unless the mechanic looked at the monitor with a devilish grin and cut a very large wire with a very large pair of scissors, I would have no idea that they were doing something bad.  But it doesn’t matter, because when I watch them work on those security cameras and I’m sipping my 10 cent coffee from my 2 cent styrofoam cup, I feel a lot smarter and lot more scrutinizing.  And I’m sure the mechanics are a lot more intimidated by a boy-man who watches them work while drinking their coffee.

Though I don’t have it every day, I love coffee.  But the best part about coffee is….French Vanilla Creamer, which definitely deserves an entry all by itself.  But that’s for next time.


Things I’ll Miss About LIfe: Part 3 of blank (Sleeping to the sound of rain)

I don’t understand sleep.  I don’t.  You may think you do.  But you don’t.  Why do we do it?  Easy answer you’re thinking.  For example, you would respond, “Because we need to.  Because without sleep, we would die.  Because without sleep we couldn’t function.  Imagine you’re a car, Angelo.  You need to keep gas in the car to keep it going.”   I get all of that.  But that stupid car analogy of yours (sorry for getting aggressive and calling you stupid) doesn’t quite cut it.  Technically, a car doesn’t need “sleep.”  Rest, maybe, but not sleep.   And don’t give me the analogy of sleep “recharging your battery.”  Every answer you can give still makes me ask the question, “Why?”

When we sleep, our mind is still very active, we still breathe and our heart still beats.  The only difference is that our eyelids are closed.  That’s it!  It’s not like you’re body is completely stopping…it’s still very much going.  Now you may be wanting to say that you need to rest so that your body can repair itself after a long day’s work.  But why can’t we just rest?  Why must we sleep?  Why? Why? Why? Why?  Y?  Another interesting question, why  does ‘y’ need the ‘wh’ for it to make the exact same sound it can very easily make by itself?  Don’t worry, ‘y’, ‘x’ has that same problem.  (Sometimes it depends on ‘e’)   Anyway, where was I.  Oh that’s right.  The mind boggling phenomenon that is sleep.

Having been perplexed by this witchcraft, I searched article after article and all the scientists concluded the same thing…we DON’T KNOW!!  Nobody knows why we sleep, we just know what the benefits of sleep are and what the consequences of having no sleep are.  But still, to this day, we still don’t know why we need to sleep.

I don’t know why I get tired.  During summer vacations (when I was in high school), I liked to sit on the couch all day and do nothing.  After an “exhausting” day of watching TV and movies, I would say, “I’m tired,” to which my mom would respond, “How are you tired?  You didn’t do anything all day.”  Those memories validate my thoughts.  Why do I get tired?  Why do I need to get tired?  Why do I have to get tired?  Nobody knows.  You just get tired.

Regardless of my inabilities to explain it, I do love sleep.  According to a friend, I have even used the line, “I love to sleep!” while drunkenly hitting on a couple of girls at the bar.  So my love for sleep is pretty apparent.  I remember hating the idea of sleeping as a kid because I was under the impression that my parents made me go to sleep so everybody else could do fun things.  I always thought that I was missing out on something fun.  (I wasn’t)  As a kid, I hated naps, for the aforementioned reason.  As a 23 year old, I love naps.  The best kind of nap is the one where you wake up and don’t remember what day it is, although it’s usually the same day.  Unless you’re Rip Van Winkle and you wake up twenty years later, which would be crazy.  Although if I were to fall asleep for twenty years I wouldn’t have a beard of any kind due to my strange inability to grow facial hair.  But I digress.  As I usually do.

Anyway, sleeping is fun. Lots of fun.  Ironically, I will actually miss sleeping when I’m dead.  I mean, death is like sleeping minus the dreaming, drooling and teeth grinding, all of which I do but never remember.  With that being said, I doubt I’ll remember being dead, too.  People say now, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”  And I’m thinking, don’t wait until you’re dead to do one of the most rewarding things ever.  And FOR THE RECORD, I am 99% sure I came up with the phrase, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”  I came up with it in 2006 so unless somebody can show me usage of the phrase prior to that, I will continue believing that I was the first person to use that phrase.  Hey, relax!  Don’t judge me.  We all have that line, phrase, or joke we think we started but really heard elsewhere but subconsciously forgot it and then said it and claimed it as an original thought.     It’s kind of weird how I came up with the phrase, ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” yet I think it’s a stupid saying.  That just shows my hypocritical personality.   The phrase is stupid because if you wait until you die to sleep, you won’t remember the amazing feeling that sleep gave you.  You won’t wake up from death and be like, “Damn I feel good.”  The best part of sleeping is waking up but my favorite part of sleeping is actually going to sleep.

Now the act of going to sleep has a bunch of contenders for favorite things.  I’ll laundry list them first:  1) Intentionally thinking about something amazing and prepping your mind to dream a good dream  2) Tucking yourself in to hopefully warm covers especially on a cold night  3) The idea that the day is over (unless you just had the most amazing day of your life and you don’t want it to end)

But the best part of going to sleep is going to sleep when it’s raining.  I was born and raised in Florida.  (Royal Palm Beach, represent!) Some of you may know that it rains in Florida.  A lot.   Having lived in California for over two years now, I have realized that the rain”storms” are few and far between.  The best time to ever go to sleep is when it’s raining outside.  I love falling asleep to the sound of raindrops tapping against a windowpane.  And I do love waking up to the sound of rain tapping against a windowpane as well.  Hearing that sound makes me fall asleep, stay asleep and go back to sleep when I wake up.  Falling rain offers such a calm feeling.  Maybe it’s not the rain necessarily but the fact that I am shielded from it by my house.  I’m sure it would be less than enjoyable if I was homeless and rain kept falling on my box, thereby making it soggy and making me “extra homeless,” because it would have destroyed my box.

But being covered in covers, sheltered by a building and listening to the rain while going to sleep is easily one of my favorite things I’ll miss about life.  And when I do die, I hope I get to die on a rainy day.  Throw in a low rumble of thunder in the distance and I would pull out my own life-support.   The only thing wrong about that death, however, is not being able to wake up.  And if I didn’t wake up, I couldn’t have one of my other favorite things…the smell of freshly brewed coffee.


Things I’ll Miss About Life: Part 2 of blank (MAPLE SYRUP)

Maple syrup goes with everything. Remember in the movie Elf when Will Farrell puts maple syrup on his spaghetti?  I’ve never done that but I definitely want to.  Hey, don’t judge me.  That looked delicious.  When have you ever put maple syrup on anything and thought that it was a bad idea?  Probably never.  Any food you douse maple syrup on is automatically overjoyed by it’s good fortune of having been covered with maple syrup.  Covering pancakes in maple syrup is like covering yourself in a golden fleece.  People instantly take notice.  Yeah, that’s right.  Take notice.  As in, “Oh those are just pancakes. [then you pour maple syrup on them] Holy sh-t!  Look at those pancakes!  I want to eat them.”  But it’s not just pancakes.  It’s everything.  How fun is it to fill every little square in a waffle with maple syrup?  Really fun is the answer.

And how about oatmeal.  Talk about being the plainest, most boring meal in the history of meals.  Oatmeal by itself is uncool.  In the human world, it would be the outcast.  It would be that person that you don’t really want to hang out with but for some reason have a moral obligation to hang out with them and the whole while you’re with them, you feel like dying.  It’s like the person you ostracize from the cool group.  People only buy plain oatmeal because of guilt (which may be the same reason you hang out with that lonely person).  But ultimately, that plain oatmeal just ends up sitting idle in your cupboard, barely being shown any attention at all.  You occasionally eat it but every time you do, you vow never to do so again.  Again, it’s like hanging out with the lonely, ostracized person and then immediately regretting your good intentions and cursing your goodwill.   But then one day, oatmeal became cool.  You wanna know why?  Because two cool kids from the block, maple syrup and brown sugar, came and said to the plain oatmeal, “Hey, we’ll hang out with you.  And we’ll make you cool.”  Of course oatmeal was hesitant at first because oatmeal’s a Quaker and popularity means nothing to Quakers.  But reluctantly, oatmeal agreed.  People started eating oatmeal with maple syrup and brown sugar and INSTANTLY became more popular. That’s why they call it instant oatmeal.   So then oatmeal couldn’t believe it’s good fortune of popularity.  It liked popularity.  So it tried hanging out with other cool kids and tried to join other cliques–cinnamon and apples.  But all the while, it’s maple syrup and brown sugar that remains the coolest.    Point of the story, leave it to maple syrup to make the most boring of boring foods one of the most popular.    And though maple syrup is already amazing as is, having a best friend like brown sugar definitely helps.  Maple syrup and brown sugar is comparable to an A-list Hollywood power couple.   So of course, even though I make maple syrup and brown sugar oatmeal, I always add…you guessed it, MORE maple syrup.

Knowing that I love maple syrup, you may want to know what my favorite brand is.  Aunt Jemima?  Mrs. Butterworth?  (I’m not sure if it’s Ms. or Mrs.  Is Butterworth married?)  Log Cabin?  Generic?  Organic?  Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me.  As long as it’s maple syrup.    Whenever I go to IHOP, I never venture to the strawberry syrup or the other syrups.  I always stick to the old-fashioned maple syrup.   And I use the ENTIRE bottle.

Whenever I look at Canada’s flag, which I do more often than you would think, I immediately become jealous.  So great is their love for maple syrup, that they have the maple leaf on their flag.  More countries should represent themselves with their favorite things rather than just colors.  America should have a vote on our national favorite thing and that would be placed on our flag from now on.  What?!! Are you kidding me?!!  Change the flag?!!  Are you a terrorist, Angelo Ierace?  Relax all you overzealous patriots.  Putting our national favorite thing on our flag would be like adding another star, only we wouldn’t be taking on another state.   So let’s push for that in the 2012 election.  Let’s get that on the ballot.  It would read:  tell us your favorite thing.  And the winner will be sewn in on every American flag across the nation and the entire world will know that Americans love _________.   Unfortunately, we can’t steal Canada’s thunder so maple syrup cannot be written on the ballot.

And in case you were wondering, my waffles from last night were terrible.  I put them in the microwave instead of the toaster so they were just hot and soggy.  I know, you’re probably thinking, “You’re an idiot.  Waffles 101, always always always toast them.  Why would you microwave them?”  Relax.  It doesn’t really matter because I doused them with lots and lots of maple syrup and you know what?  They were delicious.  That’s right.  Maple syrup, once again, saved the day.

So after I ate my soggy waffles, I went to sleep.  And it was easy last night because I fell asleep to the sound of falling rain, which happens to be another one of my favorite things that I’ll miss about life.    But that’s for tomorrow.




Things I’ll miss about life: Part 1 of blank

I’m sure we can all agree that dying sucks.  I’m not too sure myself because I’ve never done it and everybody who has done it has never commented one way or the other.  Though I don’t know the good and bad parts of death (I guess there can be both), I definitely know the things I love about life.  Now let us all get this straight–this blog is not supposed to be sappy, unless the topic is maple syrup, then it’ll be sappy because I love maple syrup.   That right there is a segue into what this blog is really about.  This blog is about the amazing little things that keep me going on a daily basis.  You know, the things that make you look forward to a few months from now, or a day from now, or maybe even a few minutes from now.   This blog is about all the things I love and every entry will be about one particular thing, which may include foods, movies, scents, places, sceneries, feelings, etc.  At no time will I ever mention family, friends or other people of any kind.  Again, it goes without saying that I love my family and I love my friends but this blog is not about them.  It’s about me.

Still don’t get it?  Pretend we’re in the movie The Sound of Music.  Remember the scene when the frightened children run into Julie Andrews’ room during the thunderstorm?  Good.  If not, go to Youtube and look it up.  Type in “My Favorite Things” “Sound of Music” “Julie Andrews” or something like that.  (This is free advertisement, Youtube.  You owe me!)  This blog is pretty much my favorite things, except way cooler.   Whoa SOM fans! Relax.  I’m not hating.  I’m just saying Julie Andrews likes lame stuff.  I understand she likes certain things because they rhyme with each other but the things I like have no rhyme or reason.  I just like them.   Did I say like?  I meant love.  Still disgusted SOM fans?  I’ll remind you of one of the things Julie Andrews likes:  bright copper kettles?  Lame.

But me calling Julie Andrews’ favorite things lame, however, is like the bright copper kettle calling the bright copper pot “bright copper.”  We all like weird things and that is precisely what this blog is celebrating.  If you hate the thing I love, comment about it.  Tell me why you hate it so much.  Or you can agree with me, which is way better.

At this moment, all you SOM fans are thinking, “You copied Julie’s idea you son-of-a-warm-woolen-mitten.  Why don’t you just title the blog My Favorite Things?”   Because if I title the blog My Favorite Things I would be copying The Sound of Music and that’s not my style.  So stop hating.  I love The Sound of Music.  Heck, it may even be a subject of discussion in the future.  So chill out SOM fans and keep reading.  We’re on the same team.

Now where to start….

I know.  Maple Syrup.  It’s after 11:00 PM PST, but I am craving waffles with maple syrup so I’m going to go eat that now and tomorrow I’ll talk all about maple syrup.