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Things I’ll miss about life: Part 4 of blank (smell of coffee)

A common misconception is that Folgers in your cup is the best part of waking up.  It’s not.  The smell of coffee brewing is the best part of waking up.  And not only is it the best part of waking up, it is very easily one of the best scents ever.  I wish there was a coffee-scented air freshener for my car.  There very well may be but I just haven’t seen it.  I think bathroom air freshener should smell like coffee, although I don’t know if coffee would hide the smell of poop, compliment the smell of poop or just make the poop smell even worse.  Probably the former rather than the latter.  Basically, the scent of coffee makes any other scent so much better.  The best part of peeing after having had coffee is knowing that your pee will smell like coffee.  Coffee-scented-pees are something extra magical.   It makes you want to turn to the guy next to you and say, “Do you smell that? That’s the coffee you’re smelling.”

I have never met one person who didn’t like the smell of coffee. (even coffee pee)  I’ve met many who don’t like coffee but not one of those people have hated both the taste and the smell.   On the contrary.  I’ve found that though people don’t like the taste, they love the smell.   How fun is it going down the coffee bean aisle at the grocery store.  The answer is very fun, indeed.  It’s the best smelling aisle ever.  Have you ever stopped and smelled the beans?  That should be the new saying.

Some of you reading this may have a perceptive sniffer.  I don’t.  I can’t differentiate between the different types of beans.  The smell of coffee is just coffee.  If you blindfolded me and asked me where those beans came from, I would have no idea.  All I would know is, “Damn that smells good.”  Besides the scent, I also love the sound of coffee brewing.  I especially like the last gurgles when it’s just about done brewing.  I don’t like it in a fetish kind of way, though.

Maybe it’s just that I like everything associated about coffee.  I love coffee mugs.  Granted, I don’t like them enough to devote an entire entry about it but since I’m on the topic of coffee, I will tell all of you my appreciation for mugs. I pretty much like drinking every beverage from a mug.  For some reason it makes me feel more important, more sophisticated and more productive.  Not one of those sounds rational but it’s a feeling so it doesn’t have to make sense.  I feel so much smarter when I drink things from a mug.  I think I actually become somewhat of a pretentious bee eye tee see h.  Whenever I drink things out of a mug, I feel like I should sit with my legs crossed and talk in a demeaning manner with a British accent.  I guess that’s why nobody likes having breakfast with me.

Oh heck, while I’m on the subject of coffee and coffee mugs, let me just admit it.  I’ll definitely miss coffee.  I love, love, love having a couple cups of coffee in a small diner either early, early in the morning or late, late at night.  Drinking coffee at either of those two times of day/night makes me feel so creative.  I hate that I can’t explain that feeling to you but I’m sure if I was writing this in a diner at this hour (2:12 AM PST) I would be a lot more eloquent and creative.  Everything about the coffee drinking experience makes me happy.  I love ordering coffee.

I remember when I was in high school and I used to order coffee occasionally for the first time.  My mom would always be like, “You drink coffee.”  Then the waitress would immediately stop writing my beverage order and look at my mom for her permission.  I HATED that.  Ma, if you’re reading this, just know I hated that.  Never, and I mean never, question my beverage order in front of a waitress.  Ever.  I’m just kidding.  Even though I know you have NO idea I’m writing this.  What did the waitress want me to do?  Back down and change my order to a cup of orange juice instead?  Eff that.  I know what I want and I want coffee.

I love ordering coffee early, early in the mornings because it makes me feel that I am getting ready for an intense day ahead, even though nine times out of ten I’m not.  Oddly enough, I don’t need coffee to wake up.  I love it for the taste and for the feeling I get while drinking it.  I love preparing my coffee as well.  I love the sound of the spoon clinging to the inside of the mug when you stir in the creamer.  That is such an odd sound to like but I like it.  I still don’t know what sugar I should use so I don’t get cancer so I just use whatever.  I don’t have a favorite sugar by any means.  I heard Sweet n’ Low will give you cancer (sorry for the bad press Sweet n’ Low) so I usually go with the Splenda or Extra or if I’m feeling very adventurous, I’ll go for the natural cane sugar.

I love the act of sipping on coffee while I listen to somebody talk because the person actually thinks I’m listening to them.  Coffee is a very good disguise.

I love drinking coffee at the places where people usually don’t:  hotel rooms and at the mechanics.  Talk about bad coffee.  But nothing makes me feel better than sitting at the mechanic’s, sipping coffee, knowing I’m about to get butt-raped with fake car problems.  But all that doesn’t matter when I’m drinking their 10 cent coffee.  Just by drinking their coffee, I feel very responsible that I even went to the mechanic’s to get my car worked on.  Speaking of the mechanic, why do they have the monitors whereby we can watch them working on our car.  Sure it gives the guise of honesty but really, how the eff are we going to know if they’re doing something malicious or productive.  Like I know what the f-ck they’re doing under there.  I have NO idea what any part under the hood of my car is or what it does so unless the mechanic looked at the monitor with a devilish grin and cut a very large wire with a very large pair of scissors, I would have no idea that they were doing something bad.  But it doesn’t matter, because when I watch them work on those security cameras and I’m sipping my 10 cent coffee from my 2 cent styrofoam cup, I feel a lot smarter and lot more scrutinizing.  And I’m sure the mechanics are a lot more intimidated by a boy-man who watches them work while drinking their coffee.

Though I don’t have it every day, I love coffee.  But the best part about coffee is….French Vanilla Creamer, which definitely deserves an entry all by itself.  But that’s for next time.