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Things I’ll Miss About Life: Part 10 of Blank (Peeing)

You can be excessive in nearly all aspects of your life.  Any great thing suddenly turns into not such a great thing given that it lasts a longer time than expected.  Eating is amazing, but once you overeat you don’t feel so well.  Sleeping is amazing but if you oversleep, you suddenly feel worse than you would have had you slept a shorter amount of time.  Pooping feels great but over-pooping (diarrhea) hurts my butthole.  So pretty much, you can overeat, oversleep, overpoop but you can never over-pee.   Peeing in and of itself is an amazing, relieving experience and the longer it goes, the better it feels.

Everybody has their standard pee duration.  Twenty seconds.  Thirty seconds, maybe.  Ten seconds, even.  But one of the GREATEST moments ever is when you surpass your usual pee duration.  If you’re on average a twenty second pee-er (?), how do you explain that feeling you get when you still have a consistent flow at 21 seconds?  There are no words.  The second you pass your norm, you’re immediately captivated by what you’re doing.  You immediately think, “I’m going for the record!”  So you go and you go and you go (and the pee still feels amazing) and suddenly you think to yourself, “Oh sh-t, I should have been timing myself.”  And then you think to yourself, “Dammit, when will I ever pee like this again?  There’s no way I can replicate this.  I’m gonna drink a 5 gallon water jug the second I leave just so I can try this again.”  And then you think, “I wish someone was witnessing this.  Because now I have to tell them.”  Let’s face it, whenever you pee for a long time, EVERYBODY has to know.  It obviously doesn’t happen every day.  So anyway, you’re peeing and peeing and your flow is still really strong and now you definitely think you must have set record.   And at that same time you still really hope somebody can acknowledge the fact that they’ve heard constant liquid on water action for a good minute or so.  And then you hear someone on the other end of the door (if you’re at home or a one toilet bathroom), “Dang insert name here.  You really had to go.”  And the only response you can summon at that moment is, “Yeah.  I know.”    But then tragedy.  You feel the flow lessening.  Now there’s only a trickle.  Then it goes to uneven bursts of pee at uneven intervals.  Surely there must be more in your tank, so at that moment you begin to push.   And now with the pee duration record at the forefront of your mind, you push even harder, regardless of whether or not you crap your pants.  Forget what comes out the back-end, so long as pee still comes out the front ,you’re willing to push.    And finally, you’re done.  You’re tapped out.  There’s no pee left in the tank.  So you zip up and flush and you think to yourself the thoughts you were thinking all along.  “Damn that must be a record.  At least ten minutes.”

And so if you’re a guy, you leave the bathroom with the utmost pride.  A more confident man.  A superhuman man, even.   You have defied physics.  You have peed out any internal fluid you could possibly have in your body.   There is not one drop of liquid anywhere left.  And then you make the most subtle of moves and it happens.  The last two drops leave your penis and wet your underwear.   The last two drops that could have easily been the difference between a record-long pee and just a very long pee.  And then you think to yourself, “I just crapped my pants squeezing out all this pee.  How were there two drops left?!!”