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Things I’ll Miss About Life: Part 10 of Blank (Peeing)

You can be excessive in nearly all aspects of your life.  Any great thing suddenly turns into not such a great thing given that it lasts a longer time than expected.  Eating is amazing, but once you overeat you don’t feel so well.  Sleeping is amazing but if you oversleep, you suddenly feel worse than you would have had you slept a shorter amount of time.  Pooping feels great but over-pooping (diarrhea) hurts my butthole.  So pretty much, you can overeat, oversleep, overpoop but you can never over-pee.   Peeing in and of itself is an amazing, relieving experience and the longer it goes, the better it feels.

Everybody has their standard pee duration.  Twenty seconds.  Thirty seconds, maybe.  Ten seconds, even.  But one of the GREATEST moments ever is when you surpass your usual pee duration.  If you’re on average a twenty second pee-er (?), how do you explain that feeling you get when you still have a consistent flow at 21 seconds?  There are no words.  The second you pass your norm, you’re immediately captivated by what you’re doing.  You immediately think, “I’m going for the record!”  So you go and you go and you go (and the pee still feels amazing) and suddenly you think to yourself, “Oh sh-t, I should have been timing myself.”  And then you think to yourself, “Dammit, when will I ever pee like this again?  There’s no way I can replicate this.  I’m gonna drink a 5 gallon water jug the second I leave just so I can try this again.”  And then you think, “I wish someone was witnessing this.  Because now I have to tell them.”  Let’s face it, whenever you pee for a long time, EVERYBODY has to know.  It obviously doesn’t happen every day.  So anyway, you’re peeing and peeing and your flow is still really strong and now you definitely think you must have set record.   And at that same time you still really hope somebody can acknowledge the fact that they’ve heard constant liquid on water action for a good minute or so.  And then you hear someone on the other end of the door (if you’re at home or a one toilet bathroom), “Dang insert name here.  You really had to go.”  And the only response you can summon at that moment is, “Yeah.  I know.”    But then tragedy.  You feel the flow lessening.  Now there’s only a trickle.  Then it goes to uneven bursts of pee at uneven intervals.  Surely there must be more in your tank, so at that moment you begin to push.   And now with the pee duration record at the forefront of your mind, you push even harder, regardless of whether or not you crap your pants.  Forget what comes out the back-end, so long as pee still comes out the front ,you’re willing to push.    And finally, you’re done.  You’re tapped out.  There’s no pee left in the tank.  So you zip up and flush and you think to yourself the thoughts you were thinking all along.  “Damn that must be a record.  At least ten minutes.”

And so if you’re a guy, you leave the bathroom with the utmost pride.  A more confident man.  A superhuman man, even.   You have defied physics.  You have peed out any internal fluid you could possibly have in your body.   There is not one drop of liquid anywhere left.  And then you make the most subtle of moves and it happens.  The last two drops leave your penis and wet your underwear.   The last two drops that could have easily been the difference between a record-long pee and just a very long pee.  And then you think to yourself, “I just crapped my pants squeezing out all this pee.  How were there two drops left?!!”



Things I’ll Miss About LIfe: Part 3 of blank (Sleeping to the sound of rain)

I don’t understand sleep.  I don’t.  You may think you do.  But you don’t.  Why do we do it?  Easy answer you’re thinking.  For example, you would respond, “Because we need to.  Because without sleep, we would die.  Because without sleep we couldn’t function.  Imagine you’re a car, Angelo.  You need to keep gas in the car to keep it going.”   I get all of that.  But that stupid car analogy of yours (sorry for getting aggressive and calling you stupid) doesn’t quite cut it.  Technically, a car doesn’t need “sleep.”  Rest, maybe, but not sleep.   And don’t give me the analogy of sleep “recharging your battery.”  Every answer you can give still makes me ask the question, “Why?”

When we sleep, our mind is still very active, we still breathe and our heart still beats.  The only difference is that our eyelids are closed.  That’s it!  It’s not like you’re body is completely stopping…it’s still very much going.  Now you may be wanting to say that you need to rest so that your body can repair itself after a long day’s work.  But why can’t we just rest?  Why must we sleep?  Why? Why? Why? Why?  Y?  Another interesting question, why  does ‘y’ need the ‘wh’ for it to make the exact same sound it can very easily make by itself?  Don’t worry, ‘y’, ‘x’ has that same problem.  (Sometimes it depends on ‘e’)   Anyway, where was I.  Oh that’s right.  The mind boggling phenomenon that is sleep.

Having been perplexed by this witchcraft, I searched article after article and all the scientists concluded the same thing…we DON’T KNOW!!  Nobody knows why we sleep, we just know what the benefits of sleep are and what the consequences of having no sleep are.  But still, to this day, we still don’t know why we need to sleep.

I don’t know why I get tired.  During summer vacations (when I was in high school), I liked to sit on the couch all day and do nothing.  After an “exhausting” day of watching TV and movies, I would say, “I’m tired,” to which my mom would respond, “How are you tired?  You didn’t do anything all day.”  Those memories validate my thoughts.  Why do I get tired?  Why do I need to get tired?  Why do I have to get tired?  Nobody knows.  You just get tired.

Regardless of my inabilities to explain it, I do love sleep.  According to a friend, I have even used the line, “I love to sleep!” while drunkenly hitting on a couple of girls at the bar.  So my love for sleep is pretty apparent.  I remember hating the idea of sleeping as a kid because I was under the impression that my parents made me go to sleep so everybody else could do fun things.  I always thought that I was missing out on something fun.  (I wasn’t)  As a kid, I hated naps, for the aforementioned reason.  As a 23 year old, I love naps.  The best kind of nap is the one where you wake up and don’t remember what day it is, although it’s usually the same day.  Unless you’re Rip Van Winkle and you wake up twenty years later, which would be crazy.  Although if I were to fall asleep for twenty years I wouldn’t have a beard of any kind due to my strange inability to grow facial hair.  But I digress.  As I usually do.

Anyway, sleeping is fun. Lots of fun.  Ironically, I will actually miss sleeping when I’m dead.  I mean, death is like sleeping minus the dreaming, drooling and teeth grinding, all of which I do but never remember.  With that being said, I doubt I’ll remember being dead, too.  People say now, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”  And I’m thinking, don’t wait until you’re dead to do one of the most rewarding things ever.  And FOR THE RECORD, I am 99% sure I came up with the phrase, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”  I came up with it in 2006 so unless somebody can show me usage of the phrase prior to that, I will continue believing that I was the first person to use that phrase.  Hey, relax!  Don’t judge me.  We all have that line, phrase, or joke we think we started but really heard elsewhere but subconsciously forgot it and then said it and claimed it as an original thought.     It’s kind of weird how I came up with the phrase, ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” yet I think it’s a stupid saying.  That just shows my hypocritical personality.   The phrase is stupid because if you wait until you die to sleep, you won’t remember the amazing feeling that sleep gave you.  You won’t wake up from death and be like, “Damn I feel good.”  The best part of sleeping is waking up but my favorite part of sleeping is actually going to sleep.

Now the act of going to sleep has a bunch of contenders for favorite things.  I’ll laundry list them first:  1) Intentionally thinking about something amazing and prepping your mind to dream a good dream  2) Tucking yourself in to hopefully warm covers especially on a cold night  3) The idea that the day is over (unless you just had the most amazing day of your life and you don’t want it to end)

But the best part of going to sleep is going to sleep when it’s raining.  I was born and raised in Florida.  (Royal Palm Beach, represent!) Some of you may know that it rains in Florida.  A lot.   Having lived in California for over two years now, I have realized that the rain”storms” are few and far between.  The best time to ever go to sleep is when it’s raining outside.  I love falling asleep to the sound of raindrops tapping against a windowpane.  And I do love waking up to the sound of rain tapping against a windowpane as well.  Hearing that sound makes me fall asleep, stay asleep and go back to sleep when I wake up.  Falling rain offers such a calm feeling.  Maybe it’s not the rain necessarily but the fact that I am shielded from it by my house.  I’m sure it would be less than enjoyable if I was homeless and rain kept falling on my box, thereby making it soggy and making me “extra homeless,” because it would have destroyed my box.

But being covered in covers, sheltered by a building and listening to the rain while going to sleep is easily one of my favorite things I’ll miss about life.  And when I do die, I hope I get to die on a rainy day.  Throw in a low rumble of thunder in the distance and I would pull out my own life-support.   The only thing wrong about that death, however, is not being able to wake up.  And if I didn’t wake up, I couldn’t have one of my other favorite things…the smell of freshly brewed coffee.